By Olaegbe David
I got married at 25, finished my PhD at 27 and became a Professor at 40.
So fast you see! Yes, everything around me worked fast. It is now that I realise that it was a misplaced priority.
My ambition blindfolded me and I got it all wrong, that is why I am sharing my experience through this medium to warn and encourage our young mothers not to be careless as I was back then.
I worked very hard as a lecturer and as an administrator, always so busy that it became my language to my children….”I’m busy”
My mum was around to nurse the children for me for some time. The moment they clocked ten, I sent them to boarding schools, though my husband was not in support of this. I always found my way.
I had no warm relationship with my children, 2 boys and a girl.
I never knew it was a bad idea not to have time for my husband, children and the household, until 5 years ago, when guilt, loneliness and restlessness filled my heart.
I sent for my children to rejoice with me on my 60th birthday.
The two boys, living in Canada said they are “busy” and that their sister will come down from South Africa.
Two days to my birthday, my two daughters sent this message to me, “Mum, I am very sorry not to be around over there, there is no time to squeeze out, my husband needs my attention at his newly established clinic and presently, I’m pregnant. “I’m very very busy,
I’m also lonely in a strange land. Please pray for us mum. Happy birthday”. I could not recover from the meaning I got from the message.. “First-things-First”. When they needed me for warmth and discussion, I was not available, now I needed them for warmth and discussion I could not get them, rather they returned my slogan back to me, “I’m busy”
To worsen the matter, my dear husband died in his sleep a month after. …Only one of the children came without his family to the burial ceremony.
I was dumbfounded!!! Considered Opinion: it is good to work and be a hard working fellow.
But hear this important and salient truth:
Parenting is sacrificial work, give it all it takes. Avoid any work that will take away your attention too much from your home – Avoid it and be careful!
SOLIDIFY YOUR HOME FIRST, CREATE TIME FOR YOUR SPOUSE AND CHILDREN.
ESTABLISH THE FEAR OF GOD IN THEIR HEARTS THROUGH YOUR ATTITUDE AND BEHAVIOUR.
THOUGH IT IS COSTLY NOW, THE FUTURE REWARD IS WORTH IT.
THIS IS AN EYE OPENER FOR BOTH MEN & WOMEN.
LET’S BE SELFLESSLY AVAILABLE WHEN OUR CHILDREN NEED US.
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A house is just a building while a home is a garden of love and peace.
It’s heart breaking when marriage designed to be enjoyed turns out to be endured. It hurts a lot when a house molded to be a home turns out to be a dreaded zone, even when it is a mansion with its high level of comfort. The question is, what in God’s name can make two lovers giggling on their wedding day suddenly despise each other to the extent of willingly signing divorce papers?
Africa is a beautiful continent with enviable cultural heritage but it’s quite unfortunate that some Africans do not value what they have. Civilization is one of the best tools anybody can work with when positively used but it can also be a very dangerous tool when negatively used. In this part of the world, there are some cultures that are so beautiful and important that changing them means fermenting trouble. As an African man or woman, please be careful with what you read on internet because it can make or mar you. Refined African marriage is very beautiful and I am very happy to be a partaker of it. Beautiful people, let us learn to appreciate and respect our unique cultural values. If there is any need to borrow culture, it should be for the good purpose of building ourselves and not consciously or unconsciously destroying ourselves.
Meanwhile, before you think of marriage;
1. Know your value.
2. Find your purpose
3. You must understand that Marriage is by choice. Ensure that you’re not under pressure to get married. Never marry to satisfy the society. Go into marriage because you choose to get married.
4. Understand what marriage is. What exactly does marriage mean to you as an individual? Your personal definition of marriage is exactly what you’ll get in your marriage.
5. Why do you want to get married and why have you chosen him or her? How exactly can you describe yourself? Will you be willing to marry yourself if you were the spouse you’re looking for? Do you really know the person you want to walk down the isle with?
6. What kind of home do you want to build? What kind of home exactly do you always imagine? How’s your family vision, core value and constitution going to look like?
7. Seek Knowledge : knowledge is highly needed in marriage. Knowledge makes it understandable that man/woman is identity but husband and wife are roles. So do you really know the roles of husband and wife and are you ready to play the roles?
At this juncture, I’ll like to ask you a question. Have you ever wondered why some good men and women still end up in broken marriages? It takes more than good man and woman to enjoy marital bliss because man/woman is just identity while husband and wife are roles. For spouses to enjoy marital bliss and happy homes, they must be intentional about it because happy home doesn’t just happen. Somebody must intentionally work it out. No matter how we shy away from the truth, there are UNIQUE roles meant for husband/wife and father/mother. That is to say that husband/wife and fatherhood/motherhood are roles. Before anybody will think of marriage, he/she needs to answer this question, “Are you ready to fit into that role?” After tying the nuptial knot and you want to have children, whether biologically or by adoption, you also need to be very sure that you want to play that role of fatherhood or motherhood very well. When these unique roles are neglected, Mr. Trouble comes in. The things that break homes most times, are the little foxes that are unconsciously and gradually fed, until they grow to become wolves that tear down homes. When a husband and wife or father and mother fit in to their respective roles perfectly, the little foxes that roam about seeking for homes to destroy, will be starved to death.
Before I continue, I emphatically want to let you know that every happy home you see around has God as the pillar. Our relationship with God is a paramount factor in everything (marriage inclusive) we do in life. If at this juncture, you are yet to give your life to Jesus Christ, I advise that you do so now and not later. Go ahead and confess your sins to Him and ask for forgiveness. Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal Savior, decisively determine to worship God in truth and in spirit. If you have done that, congratulations for you are a born again, a new creature and old things are in the past. •Also read👇🏽
Now, what are these unique roles husband and wife or father and mother must embrace to build a happy home?
Keep tab on this space in the next edition.
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